so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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