Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
