i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
