LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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