i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
