Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize