so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
