Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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