Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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