walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
