so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
