I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
