When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
