remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
