She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
