I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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