I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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