now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This baby is an asshole
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
