He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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