There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
