I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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