I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
