Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
