where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
