The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
