my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
