you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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