I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
