last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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