i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
