dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
