I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
