went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize