I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
