So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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