does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
