She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
