When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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