I'm lost and stupid without you.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
