you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
