Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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