If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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