I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
