Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
