I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
