Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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