found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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