So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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