So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
