how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
