We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
there's paper in my vomit.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
