I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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