I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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