are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
