Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
