A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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