Don't make out with my wife yet
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
