haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
