She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
