Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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