Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
