he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
